Posted on: Thursday, November 23, 2006
Posted at: 1:38 AM
Youth camp was..hmm..i dun exactly noe the right word to describe. All I know is that youth camp had evoked a lot of thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart. I know that I had disappointed a lot of people, most importantly, I had disappointed God. And it hurts me. I am listening to sad Korean songs now, even worse. Haha. I am sorry God, I have failed Your test. I have failed You. I did not have the faith that I proclaim to have when I prayed. I am really sorry to all the people as well, to those who had attempted to encourage me, to kris, for giving him problems on the 1st day of camp and then not coming to the next, to elien, for kind of deserting her since im the only other person from the same cg in the team, to Samantha, to sylvia, to fe, to the other Samantha. Well, at least youth camp brought me closer to God, as God was the only one who can really understand my feelings at that time when I felt so stressed and stretched. No matter how many times I can repeat how I feel to other people, God is the only one whom I can relate to and who really understands. His presence is worth so much more than the 20 bucks I paid for prom, so in the end I did not go. I had been so sorry for my money, but then, what is money compared to God? I still rmb the 1st time pastor prayed for me, he told me God said that I was a woman of courage. But I think that only applied to that time. Now, im practically a girl of fears. HahaAlthough I had chosen to run away, at least youth camp made me face my fears even though I did not manage to conquer them. I can feel the impact so strongly. At least youth camp made me realise how much I needed God. Now I just want to grow deeper in my love for Him. Youth camp made me realise that I am still not ready. But now as I gain more self-knowledge, I can better know what to do and where I stand. I just want to say this, although the devil always attempts to put me down whenever I feel that I am starting to grow, and right now though I know that I have failed, I will not remain as a failure. I will not revert to my past ways and be so downcast again. Like pastor, this is a point in my life where there is an exit door waiting for me, but I am not going to take that door. This experience has only pushed me even more towards Him for assurance and security. I am not about to exit right now. Although everything seems to be kind of bleak and Im feeling confused, but I can see the one beam of light so clearly. Its so clear that I still love God, I will not forsake Him, not now and hopefully not later. Ok dats it, I dunno wat to say le, say some more, I will cry le. Haha.
