Posted on: Thursday, November 16, 2006
Posted at: 8:02 AM
Exams are over, and I feel weird, very very weird..kind of sad, kind of at a loss. Wat I really feel like doing now is to juz look out of the window and stare and stare and stare..stare in blankness, and let this kind of weird feeling settle in. I dunno, juz that I suddenly felt this great sense of loss when I was on my way home today.. maybe juz that I dunno wat I can work for now, cuz o lvls juz ended. I prayed,felt better, than watched tv, then cant stand the tot of slacking..slacking is pretty tiring..
Now I feel as if im losing my connections with people, and the weird thing is I dunno wat I did wrong or whether I even did smth wrong in the frst place. Its juz that I can feel relationships slipping away and the link with ppl that I have once established and fought so hard to achieve is kind of crumbling. Maybe im being paranoid, maybe I think too much, but I cant find any answer. Seek and you will find, so lets seek God.
I sometimes feel as if my effort is always not enough, no matter how hard I try to achieve smth, to get wat I want, to try and satisfy emotional needs of others, my effort seems to be always always not enough..in chinese there is an idiom to perfectly describe wat im feeling, but in English, I cant. Haha,i noe, im relying on God, on His strength..i always think that I cant grow as much as others even if the effort we put in is the same, and sometimes, well, I have to admit, it gets demoralizing. Much as I love to help pple, I cant help but wonder why am I supporting that person if Im going to stay the same and grow little by little while I watch her spiraling up? My growth rate is slow. Haiz. Sad. Heart-wrenching. Nvm, shall juz tell God I love Him and im going to leave everything in His hands. He is the Healer!
Actually, even as my spirits are so dampened now, I still want to say smth. That is wadeva u got now, though in ur view may not be enough, pls treasure. Or else im very very certain that u will regret it like I do now. I did not treasure and be thankful for wat I have, I gave an attitude and in the end, I lost. You are blessed now, just that u dunno it. Im sorry for breaking and hurting so many hearts in the past due to my own selfishness. Im sorry im sorry. Sorry, this is such a weird post, juz er ignore? Haha..im juz temporarily screwed.
