Posted on: Thursday, November 23, 2006
Posted at: 1:50 AM
hihi! haha, i realised that my previous post was very long. so its very time consuming, so if its too long ,then dun read le. the words are very small. haha. juz some thoughts flowing in my brain, so might as well get them out.
i am officially grounded! from today till the whole of next week! boy, do we have weird parents! ground me when my o levels are over. said that i went out for 5 whole days , frm sat to wed, for camp, church, grad night, buy clothes etc etc. oh great, hope i can survive the boredom being stuck inside four walls during my hols. er korean dramas anyone? haix, this is getting pathetic, God, how?
Posted on:
Posted at: 1:38 AM
Youth camp was..hmm..i dun exactly noe the right word to describe. All I know is that youth camp had evoked a lot of thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart. I know that I had disappointed a lot of people, most importantly, I had disappointed God. And it hurts me. I am listening to sad Korean songs now, even worse. Haha. I am sorry God, I have failed Your test. I have failed You. I did not have the faith that I proclaim to have when I prayed. I am really sorry to all the people as well, to those who had attempted to encourage me, to kris, for giving him problems on the 1st day of camp and then not coming to the next, to elien, for kind of deserting her since im the only other person from the same cg in the team, to Samantha, to sylvia, to fe, to the other Samantha. Well, at least youth camp brought me closer to God, as God was the only one who can really understand my feelings at that time when I felt so stressed and stretched. No matter how many times I can repeat how I feel to other people, God is the only one whom I can relate to and who really understands. His presence is worth so much more than the 20 bucks I paid for prom, so in the end I did not go. I had been so sorry for my money, but then, what is money compared to God? I still rmb the 1st time pastor prayed for me, he told me God said that I was a woman of courage. But I think that only applied to that time. Now, im practically a girl of fears. HahaAlthough I had chosen to run away, at least youth camp made me face my fears even though I did not manage to conquer them. I can feel the impact so strongly. At least youth camp made me realise how much I needed God. Now I just want to grow deeper in my love for Him. Youth camp made me realise that I am still not ready. But now as I gain more self-knowledge, I can better know what to do and where I stand. I just want to say this, although the devil always attempts to put me down whenever I feel that I am starting to grow, and right now though I know that I have failed, I will not remain as a failure. I will not revert to my past ways and be so downcast again. Like pastor, this is a point in my life where there is an exit door waiting for me, but I am not going to take that door. This experience has only pushed me even more towards Him for assurance and security. I am not about to exit right now. Although everything seems to be kind of bleak and Im feeling confused, but I can see the one beam of light so clearly. Its so clear that I still love God, I will not forsake Him, not now and hopefully not later. Ok dats it, I dunno wat to say le, say some more, I will cry le. Haha.
Posted on: Thursday, November 16, 2006
Posted at: 8:02 AM
Exams are over, and I feel weird, very very weird..kind of sad, kind of at a loss. Wat I really feel like doing now is to juz look out of the window and stare and stare and stare..stare in blankness, and let this kind of weird feeling settle in. I dunno, juz that I suddenly felt this great sense of loss when I was on my way home today.. maybe juz that I dunno wat I can work for now, cuz o lvls juz ended. I prayed,felt better, than watched tv, then cant stand the tot of slacking..slacking is pretty tiring..
Now I feel as if im losing my connections with people, and the weird thing is I dunno wat I did wrong or whether I even did smth wrong in the frst place. Its juz that I can feel relationships slipping away and the link with ppl that I have once established and fought so hard to achieve is kind of crumbling. Maybe im being paranoid, maybe I think too much, but I cant find any answer. Seek and you will find, so lets seek God.
I sometimes feel as if my effort is always not enough, no matter how hard I try to achieve smth, to get wat I want, to try and satisfy emotional needs of others, my effort seems to be always always not enough..in chinese there is an idiom to perfectly describe wat im feeling, but in English, I cant. Haha,i noe, im relying on God, on His strength..i always think that I cant grow as much as others even if the effort we put in is the same, and sometimes, well, I have to admit, it gets demoralizing. Much as I love to help pple, I cant help but wonder why am I supporting that person if Im going to stay the same and grow little by little while I watch her spiraling up? My growth rate is slow. Haiz. Sad. Heart-wrenching. Nvm, shall juz tell God I love Him and im going to leave everything in His hands. He is the Healer!
Actually, even as my spirits are so dampened now, I still want to say smth. That is wadeva u got now, though in ur view may not be enough, pls treasure. Or else im very very certain that u will regret it like I do now. I did not treasure and be thankful for wat I have, I gave an attitude and in the end, I lost. You are blessed now, just that u dunno it. Im sorry for breaking and hurting so many hearts in the past due to my own selfishness. Im sorry im sorry. Sorry, this is such a weird post, juz er ignore? Haha..im juz temporarily screwed.
Posted on: Thursday, November 09, 2006
Posted at: 2:21 AM
Hehehx, juz decided to blog before I start studying and practising for emaths tomorrow. Haiz, I dunno wads going to happen to my combined humanities, it seems as if I screwed both ss and geog. Oh no, I do not know what to think. Never mind, lets think of the wonderful Almighty! Haha.
I am sad for some people and disappointed, but anyway, lets not make any conclusions until we have heard both sides of the story. Yeps. It seems as if I cannot escape from this show called Princess Hours whenever im at home. The radio will juz start to play some of the theme songs in that show, the dj will start talking about some scene in that show that I have never seen yet. My brother and mother will start laughing at 7pm while I lock myself in, trying to seriously block out all the noise coming from the tv and read my bible quietly. My brother will try to irritate me by telling me wad happened in the show when apparently, I do not want to know at all. Magazines will have all the synopses of the show. Haiz haiz haiz.. im trying so hard to prevent myself from knowing any details of it before I watch, and apparently, nobody is helping. This is terrible. After exams, Im so going to watch slowly and please myself. Lol. Me feeling terrible.
Kim jeong hoon can really sing! Even better than my dear lee joon ki! He is smart, melancholic, can act, can sing, got nice facial features. Oh right, lets stop infatuating. Jiayou! Only a few more days! Holy spirit come and breathe a fresh breath of life to my withering garden! Haha.
